Parenting Shizzle,  Pregnancy Stuff

#mumlife

So mvp is nearly 7 months old.  It’s gone so fast. Everyone always tells you how fast it goes and you nod along and agree and think they r talking rubbish but fuck me, they weren’t lying. It’s kray kray. Ben laughs at me coz I look at photos of mvp as a newborn and I cry coz I can’t remember her being tiny.

She’s a fucking hippo baby. I look at newborns and think was she actually ever that small??? Obviously I know she was but it’s so strange how you forget which is why I’m so happy I have gone a bit crazy and printed off at least 13 million photos of her and filled 400 albums already in less than 7 months.

It’s been nearly that long since I last blogged, I thought I would have loads of time to blog and bake and make shit but nope. My days consist of trying to get mvp to nap and eat and have bottles and then the endless bouncing, I swear this child is part human part tigger. It’s ridiculous, she’s like a frog kangaroo jumping machine, and she loves to use your stomach, or bladder and a trampoline.

So since my last post lots and lots has happened, mvp has gone from a 7lb newborn to a whopping 18lb (I’m guessing coz I hate baby group so don’t take her to get weighed).  Me and Ben have learnt how to survive on very little sleep, coz along with jumping, she also shouts constantly and also doesn’t sleep. She says fuck sleep mumma, sleeps for weeners.

No one tells u the shit stuff of being a new parent, or for that matter no one tells u the shit stuff after u actually have  a baby. So here’s my list of shit I wish someone would have said to me prior to  becoming a mumma.

1. When your contractions start it’s not a definite thing, u don’t just know your in labour. And your water doesn’t generally go in a epic flood gates kind of way.  Labour is slow and boring and painful.  I had 100 hours of contractions ending in a emergency c section.
2. After pains hurt like a mother fucker. I had no idea about them at all.  But shit the bed those bastards hurt. Be prepared.
3. Even if u have a c section you will still bleed a shit tonne afterwards, I knew about this but thought it would “like a heavy period”  as said by my midwife. Well I’m sorry Jackie but you talk absolute bollocks.
4. Newborns do not need outfits. They shit on them. And sick on them. Or as mvp favoured, they wait for the 0.63of a second when there isn’t a Nappy under them and they wee all over themselves ending in a complete wash and change. Which is super mega fun in the middle of the night.
5. Breastfed babies shit a lot. Like a serious amount. Mvp once made Ben change 4 poo nappies in an hour, just for shits and giggles.
6. Write down what people buy you because your brain will never work again and you will forget.
7. Don’t bother using cotton wool to try and clean baby poo. It just sticks to it and u end up with what looks like shit covered candy floss all over your hands.
8. Grandparents think they know everything. They don’t.
9. The second you start weaning your baby the grandparents will ask “can she have some chocolate cake”  this is guaranteed.

I could go on and on but that’s enough for today.  Here’s a little pic of my munchkin, she is the cheekiest little sausage ever, she’s gonna be naughty I just know it but I can’t say no to that  face.

Right I’m off til next time, smell u later xx

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