This is a letter to all the family members of the horrible hairy bastard spiders who have been tormenting me over the last week making me a hysterical wreck and having very little sleep.
Your children/mothers/fathers/etc are dead. My own hairy hero (bender) has killed them all for me after the crept about my bedroom and onto my pillows.
This letter is a plea to leave me alone. I have sprayed all the doors and windows in my house with spider repellant
However if somehow you get through my barriers I will be sending one of the hairy troops to fuck u up, either my smashing you head in with a book or eating u (the dog soldiers are fond of spider canapés)
Stay away if u want to live.