Today is the 1st of August 2017 and i’m back. I stumbled across a friends blog post and loved reading it and it spurred me on to get off my sizeable arse and start writing again. I know it is mostly mum who reads these but still.
I think my last post was prior to Aria being born at the end of 2015 so its definitely been a while. She is now approaching her second birthday and Miicah is coming up to being 3!! When the fuck did my tiny babies turn into full grown toddlers as I am sure they were only born recently!! Time really does fly when you are raising babies. Anyway, after they were born i swore i would get back to a happy weight once i stopped breastfeeding. Well, that stopped about 6 months ago yet here i am, fat as a hippo and sad as Eeyore.
I have decided to start Slimming World again but just do it from home by myself as i cannot afford to go the meetings, and also having to sit thru the entire first class where you get your books is actual hell on earth with 2 smalls who do not want to be strapped in a buggy, all the old dears sat tutting and judging while my feral angels run riot trying to steal boxes of hifi bars. ( can you tell ive tried this once before?!) So right now I am digging around through all my boxes of books that are still packed (we moved, again) to try and find my old slimming world pack and recipe books and joining every facebook group i can to give myself the best chance at actually doing it this time, because enough is enough.
Right, now onto something I havent posted about before, Youtube and anxiety, for me they go hand in hand. The tail end of 2016 I was feeling really lost and alone, we moved last July away from Norwich and our friends to a beautiful house in the middle of nowhere. I had 2 under 2 and have never felt so shit and alone before in my life, as soon as we moved i knew we had done the wrong thing (but thats another post). I needed to do something to help with the feeling of being completed isolated away from my wonderful friends. I had 2 ideas, learn to drive, and start a youtube channel. Ben knew about me wanting to drive but not youtube.
I started lessons in Oct 2016 and hated every single second, I hated manual driving and asked Ben if we could buy an automatic car, he knew i just needed to drive so agreed and we bought Randy The Landy in November, my first lesson in him was a revelation. i fucking loved driving!! Fast forward to Valentines day 2017 and i had my test booked, started the drive to the test centre when some utter twat crashed into me (his fault entirely) and it shook my confidence, my instructor made me do my test anyway despite being in floods of tears and using every swear word i knew.
I failed. I got one 1 major mark and thats it. One stupid mistake that wouldnt have happened if i had been in a better frame of mind. So i threw a wobbly, wouldnt talk to my instructor (i blamed her for making me do it). After realising I was being a bellend i rebooked my test for the 27th feb. Ben came with me and had the kids in the waiting room while i did my test, i was very lucky and had the most lovely examiner who was telling me all about his grandchildren while i was driving which made me feel relaxed. When it came to end the test we parked at the test centre and he said he was happy to tell me i passed and asked how many minors i thought i had got. I said 10 or 11 and he laughed and said 1!! i was over the moon, and just as i was leaving the lady examiner who had had to fail me 2 weeks prior came over and said she knew i could do and that she was so happy for me which was such a lovely thing. Just shows that despite what i think, not everyone is a cunt. I got insured from the following day and havent looked back, I love the freedom its given me and would tell anyone who is scared to just do it, you will not regret it. it has helped me so much with anxiety and feeling alone, ive been able to visit friends or even just drive to the shops to be around people (even if i dont speak to anyone, sometimes sitting in your house can be the worst)
Youtube. So while I was lonely in the new house i started watching beauty vloggers and gurus on youtube and quickly became addicted. I have never been a big makeup wearer as i didnt feel like i knew what i was doing but youtube has millions of tutorials and reviews. I went to the local No7 counter and got a shit tonne of stuff. I was hooked. I was wondering about starting my own channel for months before i finally got the balls late jan 2017. i sat down and filmed a review of a micellar water, did the worlds worst voiceover and published to my channel. I sat nervously watching and saw it had a view!!! Oh my god i cannot tell you how sick i felt, i nearly deleted it right then and there, someone had seen me make a complete twat of myself and was no doubt right now showing it to everyone they knew so they could all laugh at how shit i was and that i was officially the biggest idiot in the history of the world and also that i was so fat and gross why would anyone ever want to see me do anything. (you see anxiety there being a giant thundercunt!)
however i didnt delete it. it got more views (not many) and then someone subscribed! someone subscribed to my channel, a little voice in my head was saying it was only so they could laugh and me and make fun, not that they liked my video. The next day i posted another video, again it got some views (i think even now its only got about 50 views ) and i got another subscriber.
fast forward to today and i have 550 subscribers and post 4 videos a week, Mon, Wed, Fri (vlog) and Sat. I love it so much and genuinly feel like it has pulled me out of the black cloud of shit i was in for so long, I have wonderful subscribers who seem to like my content, i love making videos and I love my vlogs because it will be something for the girls to look back on when they are older. I know its not a massive channel but its mine and i love it. I still havent told many people in real life but hey ho, im sure i will pluck up the courage eventually.
Well this ended up being longer than i anticipated it being, if you made it to the end thank you so much for reading. I wont leave it so long next time. Im gonna insert some pics here of the babies looking cute, because why not?
Smell u later x