If you are reading this chances are you are a mum, and as mums we all say things everyday to our offspring that we probably never thought we would have to say, let alone say them multiple times a day. Let me know if any of these get said in your house.
1. Get your feet out of your sisters face/throat/bum.
2. Tidy up.
3. Do you want me to count? (Used a threat to a naughty step)
4. Who’s pooped?
5. Remember if you need to poop to tell mummy or daddy.
6. No you can’t have biscuits/jelly/crisps/ cereal for lunch (to be fair cereal has been given on more than one occasion when I just gave up the fight)
7. Why are you naked?
8. Don’t sit on your sisters head
9. Do I need to separate you two?
10. If you don’t stop it right now I am going to take away your doll/puzzle/Barry (the big ones special badger teddy) this is only used as a last resort as even a threat of removing Barry ends in a blood curdling scream.
11. Who put raisins in my shoes?
12. Right, I’m ringing daddy! (FYI daddy does fuck all telling off but this does seem to work, they forget that I’m the one who does the shouting)
13. Say sorry to your sister, right now!
14. Let me fix your crazy hair (literally just had to stop writing to say this to the 2 year old, her sister had touched her hair and messed up her “crazy hair” apparently.
15. Dont lay on the dog.
16. Who put mud in the kitchen/bathroom/beds.
17. One more bite and you can be done. (This is always followed by, OK one more bite and then you are definitely done, repeated until dinner/lunch/breakfast is finished)
18. Don’t lick that!!
19. Get your fingers out of your bum!
20. If you get dressed you can have a treat.
21. What colour is your clock? (This is always shouted from our bedroom at around 6am, the girls have a grow clock and know they aren’t allowed to get up until it is yellow, which happens at 6.20am.)
22. No, Mr tumble can’t come round.
23. Stop screaming (apparently they’re singing 🙄)
24. Let’s go see Nana.
25. Who tipped juice in the sofa?
26. If you don’t Tidy up right now I’m going to throw every single toy in the bin (I wish I was brave enough to follow through on this)
27. If I have to tell you again we aren’t going to Nanas/Tesco(they love Tesco) / the zoo. This is another empty threat, we always end up going.
28. Wrong feet, try again.
29. What’s that face for?
30. Please don’t climb on mummys head.
31. Is this water or wee wee? (Suspicious wet patch on the floor)
32. Don’t eat that (usually shouted from across the room as they put random things in their mouths)
33. Nope, still wrong feet, try again.
34. Please don’t fart on me.
35. Definitely don’t fart on me while you are naked.
36. Did you need to scream like that?
37. Right, get on the naughty step.
38. I love you little buttface. (This is one of my nicknames for the kids, although they drive me insane and make me question my parenting ability daily they are the best thing thats ever happened to me.)